We live our lives according to patterns we've learned and prescribed by those who were influential in our lives until we come into a consciousness of God who fashions us to fulfill his purpose on earth.
I reflect back to a time in my teenage years when the folly of my youth would influence the trials of my young life.
I grew up in a God-fearing home where my Grandfather was the epitome of what looked like Holy living. They were so many stories that surfaced to refute what that 'holiness' meant for those that knew him.
The one and only caution for my mother was that her girls never missed Sunday School. As I grew I remembered memory verses and was even able to quote a few of them in the KingJames Version. I remembered starting high school in 1998 and it was the most rebellious year of my life. Amongst the casualty of a step-parent, absentee father, and misguided desires, I never really think, did I know God? I don't really think so! I knew of him and that I had to attend church every Sunday. Even after the passing of the patriarch of my home, church-going was always encouraged, even when you were too sick to go.
My life from 1998 to 2003 was so compartmentalized it was appalling. I had a church life, a home life, and a school life. If you were to view me in those different places respectively, the fabric of my life seemed so inconsistent. All in all the plans and the purposes of God will prevail. I never doubted there was a God; however, sometimes I questioned if he did exist because of all mess that transpired from time to time. I do believe that without the Spirit of God it is impossible to believe that God exists.
Moreover, God will use things in nature to increase the measure of faith that he has placed inside all of us. I lived life according to my own understanding and I have done this for years. In my most recent years, I acknowledged how the consequences of our own choices can be dire if not Holy Spirit-led.
God is so gracious that his mercy looks beyond our, faults, and choices and sees our need for him.
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death."
Proverbs 14:12
I have experience obstacles, hurdles, contention, disappointments, and self-defeating behaviors and choices which contended against my purpose. However, God's plan is always greater and it takes every experience you will ever go through to bring you to a realization that you are worth more to God than what your life dictates presently.
A single-parent household, the resentment of a father, an aunt taking on the role f the patriarch, sexual and verbal abuse, suicidal thought and dissension, victims of decision, a soul that hungers for belonging more pain derived from such imbalances. Every experience is unique but what is common is that need and hunger for love and to belong, safety, and security, are chief human desires. We would never understand until we have come through that we gain knowledge of the fact that God is always at work in every aspect of our lives.
In the twenty-seventh year, another decision of the intellect would cost me security, peace, and resources. At the same time, the God who sees working in the mess that caused me not to falter but placed me amongst His flock who would help to strengthen me and polish that which he has placed inside me to bring it into reality. Even in the mess, God established His word concerning my purpose and caused the decision I made to not take me out.
Thirty-six years later, I realize that I can't afford to make another decision without the leading of the Holy Spirit. I realize I don't want spurts of Glory but I desire to walk in the fullness therein. I cannot delay the next decade of my life because of my selfish desires but to truly trust God with every step I would dare take. No, I am not perfect but I know that I don't want to waste no more of my life on what I think.
Through sin, we were separated from God and throughout our experiences, the measure of our God-given faith begins to take shape as it is germinated by the interventions of God. My prayer is that the fabric of your life will be interwoven with the faith to believe Christ is and that he is a rewarder of them that seek him diligently.
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who approaches Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."
Hebrew 11:6
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